The Triphasic Model of Love: An Adaptation to the State of FLOW

Ashkan Farhadi

Numerous scientific attempts have been made to deconstruct the various dimensions of love, such as identifying its core components—attachment, intimacy, and passion (Sternberg, 1986)—or pinpointing neurobiological correlates of pleasure and reward in brain regions such as the ventral tegmental area and caudate nucleus (Bartels & Zeki, 2000). However, the transformative nature of love, capable of inspiring creativity, resilience, and profound meaning, extends well beyond the scope of scientific analysis alone. Whether experienced as an intensified form of desire, fleeting infatuation, enduring commitment, or even an unhealthy obsession, love remains central to human existence, guiding individuals toward their aspirations.

This essay seeks to simplify the intricate nature of love by proposing a new framework—the Triphasic Model of Love (TML)—and examining its adaptation to the State of FLOW.

The Journey of Love: From Attraction to Union based on TML

TML offers providing clarity on .

The Triphasic Model of Love (TML) a comprehensive framework to understand how love develops, deepens, and transforms over time, presenting love as a dynamic and evolving process rather than a singular event or static emotion. It conceptualizes love as a journey that unfolds through three distinct yet interconnected phases:

1.     Attraction (Pre-Love) – The Phase of Rational Assessment

    • Love begins with attraction, where an individual experiences interest toward the subject of love—whether a person, an ideal, or a passion.

    • The rational mind plays a significant role in this phase, assessing the feasibility of pursuing love based on personal readiness, risks, and external factors.

    • This phase sets the groundwork for deeper emotional engagement but is not yet true love—it is desire with evaluation rather than emotional surrender.

2.     Love – The Phase of Deep Emotional Absorption

    • Love transcends rational control and becomes an overpowering emotional force, often marked by intense devotion and self-surrender.

    • This phase is characterized by three key stages:

      • Belonging – A deep sense of commitment and emotional connection with the beloved without expectations of reciprocal control or possession.

      • Ignorace (Ignoring with Grace) – A deliberate disregard of flaws, obstacles, or consequences, allowing emotions to overcome logic.

      • Creation – The transformative power of love, where love reshapes identity, fuels creativity, and leads to personal or artistic expression.

    • Love in this phase is intensely immersive, reshaping one’s perception, priorities, and actions.

3.     Union (Post-Love) – The Phase of Relationship and Transformation

    • Upon achieving union, love evolves into a shared experience, forming a loving relationship that requires commitment, respect, and engagement to sustain.

    • The once individual experience of love becomes a mutual and bidirectional connection, leading to stability and emotional depth.

    • In non-romantic love (e.g., love for art, science, or philosophy), union manifests as dedication, mastery, or lifelong pursuit rather than interpersonal commitment.

    • Union is not the end of love—it is a new beginning, where love transitions into a shared relationship that continues to evolve.

Using an Analogy of a Container and Fluid to Simplify the Complexities of Love

Love, with all its emotional intricacies, can be understood through the analogy of a container and fluid, offering a structured way to conceptualize its transition from Attraction to Union and beyond. One may envision the rational mind—shaped by genetics, upbringing, experiences, belief systems, and societal norms—as a container designed to hold and regulate the fluid nature of instincts and desires.

Attraction: Containing Desire Within Rational Boundaries

During the Attraction phase, similar to a fluid, desire enters the container, where it remains controlled and contained within the boundaries of rationality. At this stage the fluid of desire is shaped and structured by the logic of the mind, ensuring that emotions remain under control.

Love: The Overflow of Desire

However, when desire intensifies beyond control, the fluid of passion surpasses the container’s capacity, overwhelming rational constraints, , one enters the Realm of Love. This overflow of desire escapes the strict governance of logic and takes on a life of its own we may call it love. This experience still remains deeply personal, singular, and transformative, shaping the individual’s emotional experience.

Union: The Transition to Interconnected Containers

Upon Union, the dynamics of love fundamentally change—what was once a solitary container of love and desire transforms into interconnected containers, where love is no longer an individual experience but a shared emotional force between two individuals.

This interconnected system symbolizes:

  • Bidirectional exchange of emotions and commitment.

  • A shift from personal longing to a shared, sustaining force.

  • The transformation of passion into mutual engagement and stability.

At this stage, love no longer solely overwhelms the rational mind, as it transitions into a stable, evolving experience, requiring active participation from both partners to sustain and nurture their connection.

Love Developing After Union: Infusing Fluid into an Existing Connection

When a relationship exists first—such as colleagues, friends, or acquaintances—the containers are already connected in some form. If the fluid of love and desire is gradually infused into this connection, it can facilitate an emotional transformation, turning a non-romantic relationship into a loving one.

This process explains how, in modern relationships, love may develop after union, rather than preceding it.

Unlike the raw, unstructured passion of Immersive Love, which overwhelms logic, love within a shared relationship operates at a new equilibrium—it becomes sustaining rather than overwhelming. At this stage, love is no longer a personal emotional force but a balanced, enduring experience, shaped by mutual exchange.

Adapting the Triphasic Model of Love to the State of FLOW

There are many parallels and key distinctions between the state of FLOW, as described by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (1990), and the experience of love as outlined in the Triphasic Model of Love (TML). Both love and FLOW involve deep immersion, a loss of self-conscious control, and a state of effortless engagement. However, their purposes and trajectories differ significantly, particularly after attaining union in love and goal in the FLOW.

Assessment in the Attraction Phase of Love and the Optimal Experience in FLOW

In TML, the role of rational assessment during the Attraction phase of love closely aligns with the concept of optimal experience in FLOW. In FLOW, an individual matches their skill level to the difficulty of a task, ensuring the right balance for deep immersion. Similarly, in TML, the Assessment stage in Attraction involves evaluating the viability of pursuing love, weighing personal readiness against the complexities of the journey ahead. This rational preparation serves as the foundation for the immersive experience of love in the next phase.

Immersion in Love vs. Immersion in FLOW

Both love and FLOW involve a state of deep absorption, where an individual becomes entirely engaged, disregarding external distractions. The rise of love, much like the onset of FLOW, is marked by an intense focus that often leads to ignoring other aspects of life, creating an all-encompassing experience. In both states, the individual are so fully engaged in the process that they lose awareness of time, self-consciousness, and external concerns. Also, both states involve an effortless involvement, where actions feel natural and spontaneous, a sense of being carried forward and carried away by the experience, without deliberate control and a self-rewarding nature, where the experience itself feels fulfilling without external validation.

This parallels the perception of love as a spontaneous force, rather than a calculated endeavor.

The Role of Rationality: The Escape from Logic

Both FLOW and love tend to minimize the role of rationality, allowing emotion, passion, and instinct to take precedence.

  • In love, this is seen in Ignorace where embracing vulnerability, acting on impulses, and surrendering to deep emotional immersion without overanalyzing.

  • In FLOW, this manifests when an individual experiences a natural harmony between challenge and skill, leading to a loss of self-conscious control and an effortless state of performance.

The Divergence: What Happens After Immersion?

While FLOW and love share many similarities, they fundamentally diverge once the union is attained in love and goal in achieved the FLOW. While FLOW is temporary and appear as a fleeting state that naturally dissolves once the task is completed, Love evolves with Union marking a transformation rather than an dissipation.

In FLOW, a sudden break in engagement is inevitable once the challenge no longer demands full cognitive and emotional investment. This often leads to a feeling of emptiness, as the individual is no longer immersed in the heightened experience.

In love, however, Union marks the beginning of a new transformation. Unlike FLOW, which ends in disengagement, love transitions into a relationship that fosters continued commitment and evolution—ensuring that there is no void or abrupt ending in the journey.

while FLOW is a cycle of temporary engagement, love is a journey of transformation. FLOW must be renewed through new challenges, but love sustains itself through deepening connection.

Thus, while FLOW offers temporary fulfillment, love remains an enduring and evolving force, reshaping both the self and relationships in profound and lasting ways.

Parallels Between the State of FLOW and the Phases of TML

While the state of FLOW shares structural similarities with the Attraction  phase of TML, it is particularly well-aligned with the three key stages of the Love in TML

1. Belonging → Merging of Action and Awareness in FLOW

A defining characteristic of FLOW is the merging of action and awareness, where an individual becomes so deeply engaged in an activity that they feel a complete connection with it.

  • In love, the first stage—Belonging—mirrors this state, as the individual experiences a profound emotional connection with the subject of love.

  • Just as in FLOW, where a person fully immerses in an activity and loses their sense of separation, in love, the lover no longer sees themselves as an isolated being but rather as part of something greater—whether a person, an ideal, or a passion.

  • This phase signifies a willing surrender to the experience of love, much like the effortless engagement found in FLOW.

2. Ignorace (Ignoring with Grace) → Loss of Self-Consciousness in FLOW

In FLOW, individuals experience a loss of self-consciousness, meaning they stop focusing on external judgments, doubts, or fears.

  • In the second stage of love—Ignorace—the lover deliberately ignores logic, calculation, and even potential consequences, fully embracing the intensity of love without hesitation.

  • Just as in FLOW, where individuals stop analyzing their performance and instead become fully absorbed in the moment, in love, one chooses to see through "rose-colored glasses", allowing passion to take precedence over reason.

  • This stage aligns with the sense of timelessness in FLOW, where individuals stop worrying about the past or future, immersing themselves entirely in the present experience of love.

  • Hope replaces fear, and love becomes blind to obstacles, much like how FLOW removes distractions and allows complete engagement in the experience.

3. Creation → Autotelic Experience and Innovation in FLOW

A defining feature of FLOW is that it is autotelic, meaning the experience itself is the reward, independent of any external validation.

  • In the final stage of love—Creation—the individual transcends personal desire and self-interest, channeling love into something greater—whether it be art, innovation, or personal transformation.

  • Just as individuals in FLOW achieve a state of effortless creativity, in love, this stage results in a metamorphosis—the lover becomes a creator rather than merely an experiencer of love.

  • At this stage, love is no longer self-centered, but instead manifests in creative expression, whether in art, literature, scientific discovery, or spiritual transcendence.

  • This aligns with FLOW’s role in driving creativity and innovation, where individuals produce their best work, not through force, but through uninhibited inspiration.

Conclusion

The Triphasic Model of Love (TML) and the state of FLOW both describe transformative experiences that evolve through distinct stages of immersion, self-surrender, and ultimately, creation. While they share similar trajectories, their endpoints fundamentally diverge—with FLOW gradually fading once the goal is achieved, whereas love evolves into a new commitment, and shared transformation after union.

By integrating these insights, we gain a deeper understanding of how both love and FLOW amplify the human experience—shaping moments of profound meaning, engagement, and personal transformation. This comparison further reinforces the idea that love is not merely an emotion but a deeply immersive process, much like FLOW, requiring complete absorption, emotional surrender, and creative evolution.

Just as FLOW fosters an optimal state of engagement and fulfillment, love follows a similar journey—drawing individuals into an experience that reshapes perception, identity, and purpose. However, unlike FLOW, which dissipates upon task completion, love persists and evolves, reinforcing long-term commitment and transformation.

By understanding these parallels, we broaden our perspective on love—not as a static sentiment, but as a dynamic process that unfolds through immersion, devotion, and creation. Like FLOW, love has the unique potential to elevate human existence, infusing life with depth, meaning, and an enduring sense of fulfillment.

References

  1. Csikszentmihalyi, M. (1990). Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. Harper & Row.