The Triphasic Model of Love and its Variations

Ashkan Farhadi

Even though love is often regarded as the essence of life and the reason for existence, understanding this abstract concept has always been a challenge. The multifaceted and profoundly human experience of love spans a wide spectrum of emotions, behaviors, and relationships. Its manifestations take countless forms—romantic infatuation, familial affection, passion for art and creation, patriotism, loyalty to a group or cause, and altruistic ambitions. This deep-rooted drive, observable in many sentient beings, serves as the fundamental basis for reproduction, parental care, and social bonding, contributing to survival from an evolutionary standpoint (Fisher, 2004).

While love may be considered a universal drive, its expression varies across cultures and eras, shaped not only by genetic influences but also by nurture—upbringing, family dynamics, societal norms, religious beliefs, personal values, and individual experiences. In other words, the complex interplay between innate drives and the rational mind’s regulatory mechanisms creates a diverse range of mental and behavioral responses, many of which remain difficult to fully describe or explain.

The abstract and versatile nature of love allows it to be perceived in countless ways—as a path, a goal, a journey, an experience, a condition, a process, or a state of being—each offering a unique lens through which to explore this profound concept.

This essay seeks to simplify the intricate nature of love by proposing a new framework—the Triphasic Model of Love (TML)—and examining its different phases and variations. By conceptualizing love as a Journey and breaking it down into distinct phases, this model aims to provide a clearer understanding of how love evolves, shapes, and defines the human experience.

The Journey of Love: From Attraction to Union

The journey of love—from its initial spark of attraction to the ultimate union—can be visualized as a path beginning at Point A (an individual) and leading to Point B (a goal, another individual, or an ideal). This journey unfolds in three distinct phases, the first of which is Attraction.


1. Attraction — Pre-Love

The first phase of love, Attraction, marks the beginning of emotional or intellectual interest in the subject of love. This attraction may stem from physical appeal, emotional connection, intellectual admiration, or a deep sense of inspiration. This phase is deeply interwoven with rational thought. The rational mind immediately engages in evaluation, determining whether pursuing this path is viable, appropriate, and meaningful.

This phase involves:

  • Weighing the pros and cons of pursuing love.

  • Recognizing the complexities of the journey ahead.

  • Assessing one's own abilities, limitations, and willingness to take risks in love.

Ultimately, this conscious process leads to a decision—to either move forward toward union or abandon the pursuit before deeper emotional involvement occurs.

The Role of Rationality in the Attraction Phase

Unlike instinctive attraction in animals, human love is governed by conscious thought, social norms, and ethical considerations. The rational mind plays a pivotal role in shaping raw desire into a structured and meaningful pursuit. This ensures that love is not merely an impulsive reaction but a conscious decision aligned with personal values, social expectations, and emotional readiness.

However, not all attractions progress beyond this phase. Many desires remain ephemeral, fading before a decision is made—whether due to:

  • Societal norms that discourage certain pursuits.

  • Personal hesitations regarding compatibility or practicality.

  • Logistical constraints that make the pursuit unattainable.

  • Fear of risk-taking, leading to avoidance rather than engagement.

As a result, countless attractions never evolve into deeper experiences, remaining as fleeting desires rather than transformative connections.

Attraction: A Prelude to Love

While some may mistake intense attraction for the entirety of love, this phase alone does not constitute deep, immersive, or transformational love. Instead, Attraction serves as a prelude—a crucial step in preparing the individual for the next phase, where love matures and deepens.

Some attractions will remain transient, never progressing further. Others, however, will evolve into profound, enduring experiences of love, ultimately leading to Immersion—the next phase of the journey.

2. Love — Belonging, Ignorace, and Creation

As desire deepens and intensifies, particularly when the journey toward union surpasses Attraction and is met with a conscious acceptance of complexities and obstacles, emotional investment grows. This escalation moves beyond mere attraction or infatuation, reaching a state where desire transcends rational control and transforms into a profound emotional force—one that can rightfully be called Love.

The hallmark of Love is the liberation from the governance of rationality—an experience where emotions take precedence over logic. However, a fundamental question remains:

What makes Love so distinct that it is instantly recognized as something beyond mere attraction?

According to the Triphasic Model of Love (TML), Love is not merely an augmentation of desire from the Attraction phase. Instead, it is the result of a qualitative transformation—a multi-layered psychological and emotional process that unfolds through three sequential stages:

  • Belonging

  • Ignorace (Ignoring with Grace)

  • Creation

Stage 1: Belonging – A Deep Sense of Loyalty and Commitment

The first stage of Love is Belonging—a state characterized by loyalty, devotion, and unwavering commitment, where the lover embraces the idea of belonging to the beloved without expecting reciprocal control or possession.

In this stage:

  • The individual feels deeply connected to something greater—whether a person, an ideal, or a pursuit.

  • A profound sense of unity and purpose emerges, reinforcing the joy and enchantment of Love.

  • This phase contrasts sharply with the suffering often associated with Love—pain only arises when Love becomes transactional—when expectations of reciprocity or possession lead to disappointment and disillusionment.

Stage 2: Ignorace – Ignoring with Grace

The second stage, Ignorace, represents a deliberate departure from rational calculation and the adoption of a hopeful, fearless perspective.

  • This stage aligns with the old saying, "Love is blind," as the lover chooses to overlook imperfections in the beloved.

  • However, Ignorace is not naivety—it is a conscious decision to prioritize hope over fear.

  • Obstacles and difficulties no longer deter the lover, as Love fuels unwavering persistence and emotional resilience.

This phase can be understood as a selfless trade, where the individual gives everything without expecting anything in return.

Examples:

  • An artist, in love with their craft, does not calculate the cost, time, or sacrifices made in creating their masterpiece.

  • A lover, despite uncertainty, continues to nurture love with full devotion.

The Ancient Greeks described Love as a form of insanity, and Friedrich Nietzsche famously stated:

"There is always some madness in Love. But there is also some reason in madness."

Similarly, Persian literature portrays Love as a divine madness, particularly in Sufi traditions, where Love is seen as a spiritual journey in pursuit of the Divine.

At this stage, the rational mind surrenders, and Love spreads like wildfire—igniting deep transformation and reshaping an individual’s thoughts, priorities, and emotions.

When healthy, this phase inspires creativity, artistic brilliance, and personal evolution—ultimately preparing the individual for the final stage of Love: Creation.

Stage 3: Creation – The Metamorphosis of Love into Identity and Expression

The final stage of love, Creation, marks its ultimate transformation—where love ceases to be a passive experience and actively reshapes the lover’s identity and purpose.

  • In romantic love, this metamorphosis fosters deep personal growth, where individuals emerge with a renewed sense of self and commitment.

  • In art, science, and philosophy, love manifests as innovation, discovery, and creative masterpieces.

  • In spiritual or ideological devotion, love becomes an eternal pursuit of wisdom, enlightenment, or artistic expression.

At this stage:

  • The lover is no longer who they once were—they undergo a profound transformation, shaped by their passions and experiences.

  • This shift is often reflected in new identities and titles, assigned by themselves or others:

    • A person deeply passionate about poetry becomes a poet.

    • A devoted partner becomes a spouse.

    • A visionary thinker becomes a philosopher, artist, or revolutionary.

This phase explains why love is often perceived as an overwhelming, irrational, yet deeply meaningful force—one that redefines identity, fuels creativity, and forever changes those who experience it.

3. Union — Post-Love

Union marks the beginning of a relationship. Upon achieving union, love transitions from an internal, personal experience into a shared, bidirectional connection, marking the culmination of the Journey from Attraction to Union. This stage signifies the beginning of an interdependent exchange—whether between two individuals or between an individual and their passion.

Union is defined by three key components:

  • Commitment – A conscious decision to sustain and nurture the connection.

  • Respect – A mutual acknowledgment of individuality and autonomy.

  • Engagement – Active participation in maintaining and evolving the relationship.

From Personal Love to a Shared Relationship

Before union, love exists within an individual’s emotions, thoughts, and aspirations—a deeply personal experience. However, once union is achieved, love shifts into a reciprocal relationship, where emotional intensity transforms into mutual exchange and interaction.

While many core characteristics of love persist, its structure and dynamics change within a relationship:

  • The intense emotional highs of love stabilize into a more enduring connection.

  • The selfless devotion of Belonging transitions into a bilateral commitment.

  • The irrational passion and Ignorace refines into sustainable transaction form of respect and engagement.

Union Beyond Human Relationships

Union is not limited to interpersonal relationships. Love for art, science, nature, or ideals also follows a similar transition into a form of union, though the nature of this union and its subsequent loving relationship differ significantly. Unlike romantic love, where union involves mutual exchange, love for a loving subject such as art, science or ideal results in a deeply personal and self-rewarding fulfillment, yet remains equally transformative.

For example:

  • An artist’s relationship with their craft is not bidirectional in the same way romantic love is. Instead, their time, effort, and passion yield fulfillment and satisfaction, forming a unique bond between the creator and their creation.

  • A scientist’s pursuit of knowledge is driven by curiosity and dedication, and the discoveries they make provide intellectual gratification and a sense of purpose.

How an Inseparable Pain Is Often Woven into the Journey of Love

Pain and longing are often perceived as inevitable companions to love, particularly when union remains unattained. The absence of union intensifies emotional depth, leaving love without resolution, often leading to suffering and unfulfilled longing.

This pain typically emerges before union or the formation of a loving relationship, when expectations—such as possessing the beloved or securing their loyalty in return for devotion—go unmet. The emotional void created by unfulfilled love can lead to a profound sense of loss, disconnection, and yearning, shaping much of human artistic, intellectual, and emotional expression.

However, this pain is not merely destructive—it carries profound transformative potential.

For many, the sublimation of pain becomes a powerful force for creation and transcendence. The emotional turmoil and longing that arise from love without union often fuel artistic brilliance, scientific discovery, and spiritual enlightenment. History and literature abound with examples of individuals whose deepest suffering gave rise to their greatest works—whether in poetry, philosophy, or creative innovation.

This duality of pain underscores its complex role in human experience. While it can be a burden, it also serves as a catalyst for growth, motivation, and creative expansion—particularly in domains where union remains elusive, such as art, science, and spirituality. Rather than being an obstacle, the yearning for the unattainable often becomes the very force that drives humanity toward its most profound achievements.

Union as a New Beginning, Not an End

Many perceive union as the culmination of love, yet in reality, it is merely a transition—one where love evolves into a loving relationship.

  • For some, union deepens love, transforming it into a stable and enduring connection built on commitment, mutual growth, and shared experiences.

  • For others, union signals a decline in passion, as love shifts from an emotionally heightened state into a more pragmatic and structured relationship.

Regardless of how union reshapes love, it defines a pivotal moment—one that ultimately reconfigures the lover’s perspective, identity, and emotional journey forward.

What Happens to Love If There Is No Union?

When union remains unattainable due to obstacles along the journey, desire often intensifies, fueling an even stronger longing for fulfillment. This unresolved passion keeps the lover engaged in pursuit, reinforcing their emotional commitment despite the increasing complexities of the path ahead.

However, the absence of union does not always lead to despair—instead, its impact varies, depending on how the individual processes unfulfilled love.

1. Love as Inspiration: The Transformation of Longing into Creativity and Transcendence

For some, the impossibility of union transforms love into a powerful source of inspiration, fueling artistic, intellectual, or spiritual pursuits.

  • This aspirational love is deeply embedded in Persian poetry, Sufi traditions, and spiritual philosophies, where the unattainable beloved—whether a person, a divine entity, or an ideal—becomes a guiding force for self-discovery and transcendence.

  • In classical Persian literature, longing itself is often glorified as more meaningful than fulfillment, as the journey of love is believed to shape the soul more profoundly than its resolution.

  • In Sufism, the pain of separation is not seen as suffering to be avoided but rather as an essential step toward spiritual enlightenment and divine connection.

2. Love as Obsession: The Trap of Unrelenting Longing

However, for others, unfulfilled love does not inspire—it consumes. When the desire for union turns into fixation, it can lead to obsession, an unhealthy emotional state where the lover becomes trapped in a cycle of unrelenting longing and despair.

  • Unlike the creative sublimation of pain, obsession does not channel love into growth or meaning.

  • Instead, the lover clings to the unattainable goal, distorting reality and preventing closure.

  • This state of emotional stagnation can lead to frustration, anxiety, or even self-destruction, as the lack of rationality erodes mental and emotional well-being.

This contrast between inspiration and obsession highlights the dual nature of love without union. Understanding this distinction illuminates love’s transformative power—even when it remains unfulfilled, it leaves a lasting imprint on the soul.


Is ‘Love at First Sight’ the Result of Omitting the Phase of Pre-Love?

It is often believed that love at first sight allows an individual to instantly fall into love, where the intensity of attraction overwhelms the rational mind, bypassing the usual evaluation and risk-assessment processes. However, even in such cases, the phase of Pre-love can not be entirely omitted—it is simply abbreviated or expedited, leading to a near-instantaneous transition into the immersive experience of love.

Can the Journey from Attraction (Pre-love) to Union (post-love) Proceed Without the Phase of Love?


In modern times, the ease of forming relationships has significantly altered the traditional Attraction—Love—Union sequence. Increasingly, the path from Attraction to Union is fast-tracked, where individuals form a connection almost immediately after attraction, with minimal assessment.

Rather than love driving the pursuit of union, union itself becomes the foundation upon which love may or may not later emerge. The rapid transition into union—for pleasure, companionship, convenience, or social expectations—has become the norm rather than the exception. In such cases, love is not absent—it is simply postponed, uncertain, or unnecessary to the relationship’s initial formation.

However, in most cases, love introduced into an already established relationship lacks the deeply personal and singular experience of Immersive Love—a love defined by Belonging, Ignorace (Ignoring with Grace), and Creation. Instead, these relationships often operate within the framework of Commitment, Respect, and Engagement, forming a stable yet distinct version of love—one that differs from the transformative experience of immersive love.

Examples of Skipping Love in the Journey from Attraction to Union, Yet Flourishing with Love Over Time

  • Arranged marriages, where commitment precedes emotional intimacy.

  • Friendships evolving into romance, where an existing bond gradually deepens.

  • Professional or social connections, where love unexpectedly develops within an established dynamic.

This alternative progression underscores the fluid and adaptive nature of love in contemporary society, where traditional pathways are no longer the sole means of achieving meaningful romantic connections. It challenges the notion that love must always precede union, demonstrating that love can emerge, flourish, and evolve within an existing relationship—often in unexpected yet profound ways.

By rethinking the sequence of love, we gain a deeper appreciation for its versatility—whether it ignites instantly, grows gradually, or is woven into an existing relationship, love remains an evolving force that transcends rigid structures and definitions.

References

  1. Fisher, H. (2004). Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. Henry Holt and Company.

  2. Sternberg, R. J. (1986). A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review, 93(2), 119–135. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295x.93.2.119

  3. Bartels, A., & Zeki, S. (2000). The neural basis of romantic love. NeuroReport, 11(17), 3829–3834. https://doi.org/10.1097/00001756-200011270-00046

  4. Nietzsche, F. (1974). The Gay Science. (W. Kaufmann, Trans.). Vintage Books. (Original work published 1882)

  5. Persian Proverb (Traditional): "The heat of the love fever, sooner or later, settles into sweat." (Cultural reference)